The MELT Comedy Gala will be the most perfect – and most hilarious – way to bring MELT to a close after a jam-packed programme. Expect plenty of classic stand-up, rollicking musical comedy, and scintillating sketch in this laugh-out-loud spectacular featuring NZ comedian Chris Parker and MC Mel Buttle.
Frances Mulcahy, Geraldine Quinn, Frankie McNair, Christopher Parker, Sam Bowden and more make up the line-up.
Here – ahead of the gala – writer, actor and comedian Sam Bowden lists five things to do when you just want to be the absolute worst.
One
Order a martini at the pub. Martinis really are a kingly beverage. Ignore the '007' panache, a dry gin martini is the perfect way to end your night after a sesh on the beers/ciders/wines/whatever. But ordering one at a cocktail bar is a real hack move. Grow up. Go down to your local pub or hotel and order a martini. When the bartender tells you he can't, condescendingly explain to him how to make one. Throw in an eyeroll for good measure and, when he serves up the wateriest mishmash of poorly measured spirits and is forced to charge you per shot because the drink is "not a menu item", simply tell them you're not paying for it, and order a Carlton Draught with a cocktail umbrella. No cocktail umbrella? Walk the f... out.
Two
Perform karaoke without karaoke. Any ol' schmuck can walk into a karaoke bar and belt out Dolly Parton's seminal classic '9 To 5', but it takes real strength to perform karaoke spontaneously. Whether you're grooving along to Woolworths' tragic in-house radio, or you're at a work function at the abysmal BeachHouse Bar & Grill, nothing is stopping you from standing up, telling everyone to shut their traps, and listen to you warble over the top of whatever music is being played in the background. Add an air guitar and, if you really want to commit, finish the song with a flykick and yell "Thank you, goodnight!" and walk out with your arms raised in triumph. Just be aware, however, that if you choose to karaoke to a hip hop classic and you're white, saying EVERY word in the song might end with you being banned from the venue and your face posted across a blog.
Three
'Come out' to everyone. Not too long ago, coming out was a daunting task that required tremendous amounts of personal courage and honesty. But, in today's enlightened society, acceptance is everywhere. Test this theory next time you order a coffee. "Just a latte with two sugars please, I'm gay" is a real blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment that you can savour, and the Starbucks staff will make an absolute goose of themselves hiding their double-take. "Table for four? By the way I'm gay" is another hit that the waiters at Vapiano don't know how to handle. Play around with it, and throw it out at your next coffee run, pub hang or baby shower.
Four
Enjoy Morrissey's solo work. Telling people you enjoy Morrissey's solo work is a sure-fire way for everyone to know you're the worst. The Smiths, although not my cup of tea, were an iconic British band, but Morrissey himself? Yikes. That is all.
Five
Loudly complain about veganism. 15 years ago, complaining about your vegan friend's choice of lifestyle was a guaranteed hit in any social circle. That poor vegan, void of any energy, had to just sit there and take it. But, as we hurl ever-closer to the impending climate change fiasco we're all facing, society has not only embraced veganism, but we're all having to slowly admit they might be right. That's why publicly making a mountain out of a tofu molehill at dinner is a foolproof way to ensure that everyone knows you suck. Respecting people's dietary choices is so 2021. Creating needless faux-pas and kicking up a stink regarding your mate's choice in dinner is coming back in 2023. Get on this trend early, and ruin otherwise-lovely gatherings with your verbose and pointless intolerance.
Sam Bowden plays at the MELT Comedy Gala at Brisbane Powerhouse on 26 November.
